Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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