I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
