Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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