i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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