This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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