mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
