I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
