so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
