You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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