How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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