I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
