My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
