Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
