i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize