Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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