I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
