Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
