I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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