Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
