Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize