i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
he was CRYING into my vagina
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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