Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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