she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
