i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
