I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
