sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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