I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize