apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
