OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
