She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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