his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
