she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
