i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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