What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
