You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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