I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
