I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
