so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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