The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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