I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
