gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
