eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Randomize
