youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Randomize
