Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
