1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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