Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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