only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
