just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
