that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I am one with the molecules
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Randomize
