shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
