Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
