My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
