Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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