Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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