P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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