Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
