My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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